I am writing this letter to you while you are off buying Martini for me. You are standing in the line, lost in your own hurricane of thoughts. I am looking at you constantly, trying to put something into words, something prior to words that I am not able to understand and therefore there is no hope of that to turn into words. You know I have written a lot of letters in my life and received a dozen too but this is the first time I am writing a letter to someone sitting right next to me in the booth. Strange, Ehh? Yeah I know. But then that’s the only way I could figure out to reach you. I mean you are barely looking at me and I am pretty sure you have no idea about what I have been talking about from the past 1 hour and 22 minutes. Right, right?
Do you realize that you were really mean to me today? You didn’t even notice that I changed my hair color today, did you? I have been working on it forever and finally before meeting you I got them colored in the hues of blues. I tried to do something that you could call a little less geeky, but you didn’t even notice. The guy at the door even told me that I looked great, that eyes came out even huskier than before with the hair color but it didn’t even register with you and I thought I will surprise you. Isn’t that awful really? I can still see you in the far corner of the room and the farthest horizon of mind, where I might never be able to reach you. I can really understand that you have something buzzing on in your head but hey! I am still a girl and you really could have spared me a one decent look! All you had to do was to say that I look pretty or cute hair and I would have forgiven you for seeing me but not looking at me, for being stuck in the blaze of thoughts. But no!
Which is why I am going to lie to you that I am going to see my best friend for that movie I have been talking about so much, well, I don’t expect you to even remember. I was planning to spend the night at your place. We could have talked about my research and you could have told me about all different colors. You know what, I even brought my tooth brush and pajamas with me, I swear. I am such a fool! I mean you didn’t even technically invite me over to see your new place. What the hell dude! You obviously want to be alone. Fine! Be alone. Think all you like. Think to your heart’s content.
You know what, I want to be that air that inhibits you for a moment only. I want to be that unnoticed and still necessary. I know we are not dating. I know if I leave today, you wouldn’t be my ex. But surely would be ex- something, an ex-maybe. An ex- almost. It’s been 2 hours since I have been sitting across you and I have still not figured out how to sit across you and take your silence.
Hey don’t get me wrong, I just want to be a part of your troubles like you were to mine. You had been so nice to me when I was stuck in life. I am not completely mad at you; maybe I am a little sad. You are all chained up in your mirage and if I knock, you come out, look up a second and go right back in. It freaks me that I am not able to help you, that I am not a part of your complex world. I want to. I swear! I really want to but maybe I am not enough yet.
And now I see you coming back with our drinks. I really hope you trip but you didn’t. Now you are sitting right next to me. I had a little hope that now you might notice and say,” hey, your hair look cute”, but you didn’t. if you have, I would have torn up this letter and said “let’s go to your place. I will make you pasta. But you are as oblivious as mud.
You are a lesson I really don’t want to learn. Why do you have to be so difficult? You know, you make me feel a certain way. I hate this about feelings, they never make sense. They get you all confused, drive you round and round for hours until they drop you right back where you started. And yet you are here, sitting next to me, still a light year apart.
P.S. don’t talk to me when we meet next.